The Old Soul Child

The Old Soul Child

Yesterday, I woman I know called me an “old soul.”  What is an old soul?  A person who’s wisdom comes from deep within?  I don’t know if you’d call what I’ve got “wisdom”, exactly, but there is something, I’ll admit that.  People look up to me. 

          I do try to be a person worth looking up to.  But sometimes it’s hard to be brave all of the time.  I just need to be a normal human being sometimes.  I can’t always fix everyone’s problems, as much as I would like too.  I know that I am very young, but I feel Something Different.  I think – I know – that I was put on this Earth, in this place and time, for a very specific reason.  I don’t know exactly what that reason is right now.  Some days I can almost taste it, yet sometimes I feel absolutely clueless. All I can do is trust, I guess.

          Now, don’t get me wrong, here.  I am a more spiritual person than religious, but I do think that some Higher Power is guiding me towards something Earth-shattering.  I don’t want people to take me as some crazy religious kid.  But I honestly believe that I have a purpose on Earth.  Is that so wrong?  I have people who really believe in me, who tell me that I could be a person who moves mountains.  I always have this kind of global-outlook.  I have this fixation - obsession, almost – with solving all of the world’s problems.  I know that I can’t be everybody’s hero, but I do want to do as many positive things in my lifetime as possible.  Helping people is my passion and my life’s work. It’s something I really think I am supposed to do in this life.

          So now you know what drives me.  It’s like I am groping around in the dark, with only a rope to guide me.  But I do feel like I am coming closer.

I wrote this poem a while ago.  I wanted to include it.  Sometimes I feel very scared by the idea that I have a big duty.  Its like – Whoa!  How am I supposed to change the world?  It’s also about a feeling of fraud.  Sometimes I don’t want people to trust me so much, because what if I’m not really anything special?  What if I let them all down?  Anyway, I hope you enjoy Lockbox.

Lockbox

A noise

Meant for you and you alone

A condescending promise

Reviling unstained truth

Do you think I can’t hear you?

Crying to me

Soothing my senses

Numbing deep pain

Crawling, screaming

Something fierce in my chest

Shinning from my fingers

Bubbling out my soul

All I ask is quiet

All I want is an end.

I’m ready

I know

Yet doubt squeezes my heart.

Chilling panic raises.

Can it be over?

Have I yet paid my dues?

A haunting,

A lingering breath on paper,

A howling for mercy.

Pleading:

Please save me

Believe in me

Don’t trust me

Torment me by searching

Wipe my tears away

Close my lips.

I pray; lie to me.

Evoke false hope

Pass in a hall,

My goodnight kiss to

Lock safe a promise

Who do you trust?

Cry, mourn for me

Refuse me

Shake my senseless

Fill me again

Cross your hands where I can’t see

Make me hate you

Make me forget myself

Stab my tattling heart

Comfort my shaking hands

Grip my wrists tight

Lead me to my demise

Whisper in my ear and pass the key

Demand composure

Calm my every fear

Show me my duty, my destiny

Make me glad to bruise

Make me bow to you, my prince

I follow you

I bless the chain that binds us together

I’m yours to catch, yours to throw

Lead me to infinite blackness

Force up my chin when I’m weak

Caress a stubborn jaw

Gently point out my role

Show my duty

Press for more than enough

Trip me, trick me

Never leave my side

Grip my hand

Crush my breath

Push out my life

Yet leave naught a stain